Every Super Hero Has Their Kryptonite

Every Super Hero has a weakness. Normally they do not share this weakness, but what type of blog would this be if I did not share.

My weakness has eight legs and crawls. That is right when a spider comes near me I transform into a little girl and scream. It is a horrible weakness.

I guess it all started when I was about five years-old. Back when I drank out of water spigots. I felt something go into my mouth, as I opened my mouth a big brown hairy spider walked out of my mouth and over my eye and into my hair. After doing that type of dance you do when you are creeped out trying to get a bug off you, I went home and threw myself into the pool.

Many years and many nightmares about those nasty eight legged freaks have gone by and I felt that I was beginning to overcome my weakness. I could actually see a spider without screaming. By now I was a bodyguard. Macho man as some may say. I had a bulletproof jacket and carried a gun and had a
nasty reputation. I was feared by some and I feared no one. So when I had to go pick up my future wife at her parents house, I did not expect to run into my old nemesis.

I had my shoes off for some reason and had to go out to my car. While walking back to the front door my nemesis decided to spring her trap. There in the middle of the walkway to the house was the biggest wolf spider I had ever seen. Her smile taunting me and bringing back my childhood nightmares. But I was ready I springed over her head and landed on the other side of her closer
to the door. As I ran into the house, I grabbed a shoe and sprung back out the door to do battle. I was not going to show my weakness. As my size 10 Nike struck my opponent the unthinkable happened. Really I did not think this would happen. The spider exploded into may smaller spiders. [ Piece of useful information. A wolf spider carries her babies on her back. Without looking closely you
would never notice. But after hitting them with a shoe, you notice very quickly] So now I was surrounded by lots of spiders. Even though I let out a squeal of terror, I was not ready to give up. I dashed back into the house and prepared for battle. [No I did not grab my gun] I grabbed a can of Lysol and a lighter.  As I returned to the patio with my improvised flame thrower, I was hearing the pops and crackles of the little spiders running at me. As I layed down a two foot perimeter of flames I felt this battle was mine. But then the tide turned as the mother spider rushed my flame. As her body caught fire, along with the trim of the house that belonged to my wife's parents, the spider kept running at me. I sounded a retreat with a high pitched squeal of fear. As this burning spider came rushing me.  Just as I saw my life flash before my eyes, I was saved by a fearless hero. Ok my soon to be sister-in-law who was sixteen at the time, walked out the door and rolled her eyes as she stepped
on the flaming devil spider. She put an end to the evil spider without any struggle, leaving a smell of wet nail polish in the air. She was my hero! I quickly hosed off the evidence of the battle from the front walkway. The only thing that was left of the battle was a charred piece of trim connected to the house. Which I was hoping no one would ever notice.

My son has been a crucial part of helping me with my arachnophobia. When he was four years old he took all of his plastic spiders and put them in my bed.  <deep intake of breath> So there I was getting into my waterbed after a long night of work. As I slipped my tired body under the covers, I knew something was wrong. As my wife was tossed free from the bed by the wave that was created by me springing from the bed like an Olympic gymnast, the neighbors must have been woken by the primal scream emanating from my house. < a glass or two may have broken from the high pitch of said primal scream> Once I figured out everything was ok, the intruders in my bed were actually plastic toys that were quickly removed, I was able to apologize to my wife and allow her to go back to sleep. I crawled into bed fearful of evil spiders lurking around the corner. As the adrenaline ebbed away and
my eyes started to close. I stretched out and got comfortable. I put my hand under the pillow and found a big gel filled spider that felt hairy. My heart stopped as I tried to scream. My mouth was open yet no noise was coming out. Again my wife was thrown to the ground by the tidal wave
left from my quick departure of the waterbed. I turned the lights on and inspected the bed pulling off all the sheets and pillowcases. The pile of plastic spiders was growing. How did my son get so many toy spiders I wondered. Oh yeah my dumbass had bought them for him when he asked for him.
As I threatened the pile of plastic with an impending meeting with a flammable substance and a match. I allowed my wife to yet again go to sleep. I laid in bed having thoughts of creepy crawlies. The next morning while talking to my son about how wrong he was. All I got was laughter and a
mischievous smile of satisfaction.

My son is now thirteen and not a day goes by without him saying something about spiders. I may not have overcome my fear of spiders. But my son has worn me down to where the reaction is less dramatic. The good news is that my son has now created a healthy fear of spiders for himself.  So when the creepy crawlers come. It is my son's high pitched squeal you hear instead of mine.